Love is when… by Kodok

Love is when you care for one.

Love is when you committed to one.

Love is when you set future to one.

Love is when you feel bizarreness of time if one is not around.

Love is when you think two are more important than one and no space for three!

~~~

What if I tell you that love is antimatter? And every time it makes contact to matter both sides will dilute each other, swallow each other and erase each other!!!! And then nothing else matters!?

My friend called me this afternoon, saying she wanted to meet me for dinner and a couple of beers. ‘OK’ I said, ‘where?’ I continued. ‘My house’ she replied. The moment I hung up the phone, somehow I recognized it wouldn’t be about dinner and beer, it must be something else.

The rest of the afternoon went quite quick as always, reports, signatures, and meetings rapidly hit my schedule minutes by minutes before it was time for me to go home. I checked my cell phone clock, it was 6.45 PM. Pressure suddenly jumped down off my shoulders when I finally shut down the light in my office and walked to the office garage for the car keys.

Driving a double cabin car at 7.30 p.m in Banda Aceh on a weekend was never easy, as it was time for most of people to go out to coffee shop for one or two glasses of sanger or thick black coffee. Motorbikes passed me with a roaring sound made me aware of accident that might happen if I lose just one second of my concentration. Fortunate for me, my friend’s house was quite close to mine and that I don’t have to drive a longer road through the city.

She was an Indonesian lady who’s been married for 10 years now to an Indonesian man. They are blessed with one daughter who was born just a year ago. She is an administrative coordinator in one of huge UN agency that forced her to leave her beloved daughter and husband who works in Medan. I like her in the sense that she avoids possibilities and sort of things by staying home after work and go to Medan on the weekend. In fact I admire her for that.

I rang the bell hidden by the gate soon after I checked that it was locked. After my second ring, a shouting sound came out of the house ‘Waiiiiiiiiiiit’ it was her, I recognized her witch-full-throttle-broken-glass-like voice. I smiled when she finally showed up her pretty face ‘hey.. You come late!!’ she said. ‘Yeah, had to finish something at work and of course I wouldn’t dare coming here without shower, you wouldn’t give me any food. I gave her teasing look and I was paid a smile for it. She was like a sister to me, although she is probably too old to be one. ‘come in’ she said. I smelled delicious food from the kitchen and automatically said ‘I am starving’. ‘hahahahaha, you and your fat worms in your belly’ she replied back with big laugh. ‘help me with the dishes, I will prepare the food, they are ready’ she continued eagerly. ‘ok’, I replied with the same eagerness.

Food was great, she cooked me some Batak’s traditional foods which my mom used to serve on my birthday, especially that blood ketchup grilled chicken, yummy. We didn’t talk much at the beginning; the food was too delicious to be shared with any discussion, not me.

Almost all of the food was finished when she walked towards the fridge and came back with a can of cold beer and put it in front of me. ‘You?’ I asked, she used to be a beer drinker. ‘I quit’ she said. ‘We are planning to have the second one, I am pregnant’, she smiled blushing. ‘What? Hahahahaha,’ I got up off my chair and gave her a warm hug ‘congratulation’ I said and kiss her forehead. ‘Thank you’ she replied still smiling. ‘You guys must be very happy?’, I asked just to continue the topic, I knew she would like it. ‘Yeah, I am always happy, you know that. I adore my family and proud of them. Of course I am happy’, showing her small rows of white teeth. We muted for minutes enjoying our thoughts and absorbing what she just said.

‘Are you happy?’ she asked suddenly. Smiled and say, ‘Define happy, sis’. ‘c’mon, don’t play chess with me, it is a simple question that requires simple answer, are you happy?’, nailed me as always to the wall. ‘Hmmm, I don’t know. Never thought about it anymore. Well, Happy is not as simple as it sounds like. Sometimes I am and the next second I suffocated. So what is your point?’. ‘Nothing, I just want to know whether you are or not. It is important for me that you are happy’, she smiled with motherly look that always comforts me. ‘Yeah, thanks. But I don’t think about happiness that much anymore sis, I face it as it comes, I mean what do I expect, right? Wind blows, some fly some stay some grey, it is just relativity’. ‘Hahahaha’ she laughed teasing me, ‘I like it when you sound un-optimistic, rarely of you. So have you found it? Obviously you haven’t, have you?’, I wondered for a while before referring to her casualty to use ‘it’ for love. ‘Hmm, I don’t know’ I said shortly, ’same answer as for happiness, define love! Sometimes I thought I’ve found it, the next second I suffocated’, obviously I haven’t, is it that obvious? ‘C’mon sis, you didn’t ask me to come here only for that did you?’, although I don’t have any blood line with her, I always feel like she is my elder sister. ‘In fact I did, I just want to know’ she said while chewing a chip of potato. ‘I want you not to stop searching, you will find it. And when you find it, I am sure you will be as happy as I’ve been’, she said looking to my eyes. ‘Sis, I know how you love your husband, I know how much his devotion is to you, but love is not the only thing that can make us happy’, I said arguing. ‘Then what? Look at you. You smiled, you laughed louder then hell, then the next second you stare blankly to nowhere. Is that happy to you? Happiness doesn’t recognize visit time. It is a way of seeing life and only when you find love that you can look at life the way I’ve been seeing it’ still the motherly look in her eyes towards mine. I wonder what my mom will say if I told her I have a second mom here, she would love that actually. ‘OK, I regret that I’ve wasted so many love, most of them deflected by my ignorant nature. What can I do? It is just me. I couldn’t recognize ‘it’, in fact I don’t know what it is. Most of the time I miss interpreted it. I mean, when you care about someone, does it mean love? When you miss someone, does it mean love? When you feel jealousy, does it mean love? When someone does not feel the same as yours, still it be called love?. I love my mom, that I know’, I was sure that I was expressing bitterness of smile when I said those. ‘Hmmm, some questions, hah?’, she said seemingly already had the answers when she continued, ‘Love is when you care for one.. Love is when you committed to one.. Love is when you set your future to one.. Love is when you feel bizarreness of time if one is not around.. Love is when you think 2 is more important than one and no space for 3! That is how I define love, my love and it is universal. Don’t only apply to spouse. Have you found anything like that?’ I shrugged to reply. She went walking to the two doors fridge and come back with a box of cone ice cream and one more can of beer and continued talking while doing so, ‘Love is a living creature. It demands certain quality of habitat to live and grow and those definitions of love I’ve mentioned are the perfect habitat to breed love, then you will get enough harvest every second of your breath and you will be happy’. Stopped for a while to chew the cone ice cream and to make sure I digested the words, she further continued her lecture, ‘What if I tell you that love is antimatter? And every time it makes contact with matter both sides will dilute each other, swallow each other and erase each other!! And then nothing else matters! If things are still matters, like you said earlier, it must be a miss interpretation’. ‘Hmmm, nothing else matters, like that idea’, that was the only thing I could say. ‘I am serious, you won’t care about anything else’, she stared at me.

While the ice cream in front of us started to melt and wet the table, my mind wandered around her definitions and tried my best to catch the ideas. I know, I thought to myself, it is true what she said, it’s just maybe as time passes by I have forgotten definitions I set up for myself.

‘So have you found it?’ she was still pushing. Once again I smiled and say ‘It is late sis, I am sleepy, I am going home’, I stood off my chair and picked up my stuff. Shit, I hate this discussion. ‘Hmmmmm, just be happy, OK? I am confident you deserve to find ‘it’, she said at last allowing me to go home without arguments. ‘I am happy, in my own way but yeah, thanks sis, I will tell you when I’ve found it. Good night, you sleep well, OK?’ I gave her warm kiss and hug when I left the room.

It took me 15 minutes to drive home and it was quite enjoyable this time without those bikers passing around me. It gave me more time to enjoy my thoughts of what she was saying. I opened the driver’s windshield and let the night wind slapped my face as if I needed it to refresh my mind and inject the ideas of love through my pores into my brain. I know, I thought to myself again. I know… Love is when……